Have to apologize ahead of time. We are on a skeleton crew this basho. Valentine is still gettin back into life in the states, and DeGama and Bertrum are busy rolling each others sausages. (They can’t keep their hands off the sausage since the wedding.) Connolly, Johnson, and I will hold down the fort as best we can. So let’s get things started with day 1.
We’ll start the day off in The lower ranks. Musashimaru’s nephew Musashikuni won today by an EXCEEDINGLY slow oshidashi. Slow as it was the technique was sound. Takanoyama picked up a win over Tanzo via arm bar which he then turned into okuridashi. Satoyama had a possible injury to his right hand after his win over Kagamio. Osunaarashi fell to Azumaryu after not being able to produce with his tsuppari. Chiyonokuni is back after his ball crushing injury, out of the gates he looked goo, but Kyokushuho won via slap down. Last, Sokokurai was looking in control but at the bales he lost to Takanoiwa by utchari. Now on to makuuchi. Continue reading
That’s another basho in the bag. A bit of a roller-coaster… one which, at the end, derails and ends up in a swingers party in a Bolivian crack den. Thanks to all of the S&S gentlemen for our gathering last night, and sorry to the snack bar hostess whose leg was broken, thats what happens when you invite a Scot to drink. Let’s get down and dirty about today’s sumo. First off, we can declare all the yusho winners because the only ones we report on were decided before today, so no spoliers. But we’ve also got special prizes and the lower ranks to deal with. In fact, lets start there. Continue reading
Posted in Hon Basho, Nagoya Basho July 2013
Tagged Aoiyama, endo yusho, Hakuho Yusho, harumafuji, kisenosato yokozuna, naoya 2013 yusho, osunaarashi, takanoyama, Takayasu, Yaocho
Well its that time again.. What time, you ask? I say Natsu, you say Basho….Natsu (Basho) Natsu (Basho). And we’re off to the third day of men fuddling about in oversized diapers throwing sand and trying to take control of another man in order to score well. Its called sumo, folks. Before get down and dirty I want to mention a few things. Continue reading
Posted in Hon Basho, Nagoya Basho July 2013, Sumo, Takanoyama is in Juryo bwahaha
Tagged Aoiyama, chiyotairyu, Hakuho, harumafuji, Kakuryu, Kisenosato, Kotooshu, myogiryu, okinoumi, Sokokurai, Sumo, takanoyama, Takanoyama.blows, Takanoyama.in.Juryo.hahaha, Virgil Valentine, Yokozuna, yoshikaze
It’s been a hot and humid (not to mention rainy as hell… i can barely hear the TV over the downpour) start to summer this year in Japan, and it’s about to get hotter. Sunday begins the Nagoya basho. Always one of my favorites. Not only do we have a few interesting storylines going on, but the myriad of “the clay is really slippery in all that humidity” excuses will soon be tingling in our ears. We’ve got a lot of ground to cover, so lets get wet. Continue reading
Posted in Nagoya Basho July 2013
Tagged Aoiyama, Baruto, baruto injury, hakuhoyusho, harumafuji, Kakuryu, Kisenosato, kisenosato yusho, myogiryu, nagoya 2013, nagoya sumo, osunaarashi, takanoyama
I am annoyed at a few things that I recently read. The first things is pointed to Montana. After reading Bertrum’s report is was made clear that you have been holding out on me. Not even have you been recording you and your bird making sloppy sex tapes, but you decided to show the Englishman and not your loveable Cuban plush toy. Needless to say I cannot blame good ol’Bert for viewing it, however I can blame the guy for Ernie’ing it up with Creswell. I thought I was your Ernie, bud … it hurts. On the other hand, no worries Creswell… I got your back. Whenever the Englishman pillaging the cargo, the Armada is always not too far behind. I’ll hitch my train to his caboose and leave enough spice back there that in the morning it’ll seem like he had Indian curry the previous night. That said we all should get our knives and forks out because things just got delicioso!
So Blah blah blah … guys is juryo and makushita… blah blah… and on to Makuuchi
Chiyonokuni vs. Azumaryu
Chiyo came into this thing with a hunger immediately pushing Azu back forcefully. It was clear at this point that nothing could be done. Azu tries and failed to recover to the side but Chiyo honed inon his ass and took him out. Well played
Posted in Hon Basho, Natsu Basho May 2013, Sumo, Takanoyama is in Juryo bwahaha
Tagged brokeback mountain, Hakuho, hakuho win streak, indian curry, kaisei, Kakuryu, Kotooshu, kotoshogiku, man love, ozeki, takanoyama, Takayasu, Tochinoshin, toyonoshima, Virgil Valentine, Yokozuna, yoshikaze
Tomorrow begins the Osaka basho. This marks the first time that Hakuho has been ranked West Yokozuna since Kyushu 2009. Takanohana oyakata officially named the next ozeki candidate. We have some keiko reports to get through, some words about the lower ranks, some chat about what we should expect this basho, and some wild(read:wrong) speculation as to who will fair well in March. So grab a smoke, and a few drams, and let’s talk Haru Basho. Continue reading
Posted in Hon Basho, Osaka Basho March 2013, Sumo
Tagged Baruto, goeido, Hakuho, harumafuji, Homasho, ikoi, Kisenosato, myogiryu, osaka basho, osaka yusho, shohozan, sumo injury, takanoyama, Takayasu, Yokozuna
I might be the only one – though I seriously doubt it – who thinks about what would happen had you have made a choice differently. Honestly despite what various media portray many of wouldn’t actually cause a shit of difference in the whole course of Everything. That being said there are a few decisions whose outcome would drastically change the future. Now in this basho I was hopeful that certain wrestlers would recover their mishaps from the previous bashos. In a poignant tone I will say its not looking good for the former Ozeki Baruto. Its tough to see him who I considered one of the top Ozekis to be demoted and now looking like he will have to retake the Ozeki position the hard way. Just wish it would have occurred differently. Regardless I will now free fall from the rock that is my happiness and crash into the sea that is my shattered hopes.
Posted in Hatsu Basho 2013, Hatsu Basho January 2013, Hon Basho, Sumo, Takanoyama is in Juryo bwahaha
Tagged Aoiyama, Baruto, Hakuho, harumafuji, Kakuryu, Kisenosato, takanoyama, Takayasu, Virgil Valentine, yoshikaze
2nd half of hatsu basho 2013 is under way. Although it began with the somber note of the death of former yokozuna Taiho, it continues with a current yokozuna regaining his proverbial honor, some younger guys shaking up the lower half of the banzuke, and a few veterans staring the threat of possible retirement in its hairless eye. And, of course, not that it’s new, our Ozeki are under-performing. None were able to get kachikoshi on day 8, and most will struggle to make their 10 this basho. Well, in any event, here’s the way I see it for day 9.
Posted in Hatsu Basho January 2013
Tagged Baruto, Baruto demotion, goeido ozeki, Hakuho, harumafuji, hastu basho day 9, Kisenosato, Kotooshu, myogiryu, shohiozan, taiho, takamisakari, takanoyama
Hello gentlemen and ladies, it’s your ol’ pal Dick Montana wishing you a happy 2013 from the bottom of a swimming pool filled with scotch. Now, normally I wouldn’t be reporting the first day of sumo under the influence, considering I am a supposedly responsible adult and Mondays usually begin the workweek, but fortunately over here in J-town the politicians have decided to grant us the greatest of holidays – The cancelled monday. Fuck getting me a personalized mawashi for my birthday, just kick another Monday in the crotch like this one and I will be a happy little squirrel until 2014.
Now that that’s out of the way, let me pour myself another dram or seven of Glen Deveron, my current dram of favor. Stay tuned later this week to find out just how sharp the barley is (Hint: it’s sharper than Bertrum’s dick gets when he starts talking about ENGLAND).
In Juryo, Takanoyama henkas away from Kimurayama to go for that arm bar that he loves so much, but wasn’t able to grasp on to the slippery man’s blubber. It’s for the best in my opinion, I have never seen him win a bout after getting that arm bar… After a bit of a tangle around the ring, Bean-pole manages to kick Kim’s legs right out from under him, sending his ass to the ground which was ruled kirikaeshi (twisting backward knee trip). Takanohana’s lone rikishi in the upper divisions, Takanoiwa, managed to pullout a win, and Takamisaraki lost what looks to be the first of many this basho. Continuing on, Chiyonokuni won, Wakakoyu lost, blah blah blah let’s go to Makuuchi.
Happy New Year to all of our viewers let’s get started on sumo for heisei 25. Its debatable whether or not I can even call this a warm up, given our slow down in activity, and the temperature and amount of snow in Southern Akita these days. This is more like a defrost or thaw-out. That being said there is the potential for some decent heat in this tournament. A yokozuna fighting to keep his rope, an Ozeki demotee looking to get his balls back, another former ozeki teetering on the brink of the elevator shaft to juryo and possible retirement, an over-hyped sekiwake being over-hyped for promotion, a few rikishi fighting through injuries, and as always some promising talent from the lower ranks. In addition the Americans (read Hawaiians) are trying to get back into the game, and on top of it all we got Hakuho looking to reaffirm his dominance over any guy that steps up on the clay. And as a bonus you’ll get a report on how the rikishi did on the ever-horrible Japanese New Years TV programs. Continue reading
“We couldn’t see the crucial body parts”—Stuart Adkin’s quote of the day.
Posted in Sumo
Tagged Hakuho, harumafuji, jokoryu, Kakuryu, Kisenosato, Kotooshu, kyokutenho, shohozan, Stuart Adkin, takamisakari, takanoyama, tochiozan
Good evening err’ybody and welcome to another wet and wild day of sumo with your ol’ pal Dick “slick willy” Montana.
Even though there are a few well-known names in juryo, I am just going to focus on the beanpole from Czech-land as I am pretty sure Takamisakari will never be making a return to makuuchi considering his only worsening performance over the past year. Takanoyama (3-4) went up against Tamaasuka (6-2 )today and charged in as low as he could without getting overly friendly with asuka’s knob. Unfortunately he didn’t seem to have much of a plan and just tried to play defense and keep his center of gravity low. Not a bad strategy… for someone who weighs 50 kilos more than he does. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, Taka needs to keep with his tricky dick sumo if he wants to keep his upper division salary. Continue reading
Of all days to make the sumo report, I’m tickled today happened to be my day. Well, that’s not why I’m tickled, but moving on… Continue reading
Posted in Sumo
Tagged Hakuho, jokoryu, Kakuryu, Kisenosato, kokkai, kyokutenho, takamisakari, takanoyama, tsunatori, Tsunatori Harumafuji, Yokozuna Harumafuji
People always seem to want to know how M16E Takanoyama (2-4) did. The man is just teetering on the edge of Makuuchi, but fair enough. Today he faced M13E Asasekiryu (4-2). A strange bout this was. I Continue reading
The Akita and Hanamaki Sumo Exhibitions are coming up on 8/10 & 8/11 and the gentlemen of Sumo & Stogies will be there rubbing shoulders, slapping mawashis, and waxing philosophical with the men of makuuchi.
If there is anything you’ve ever wanted to ask a rikishi, or rikishi in general let’s us know in a comment here, or mail your questions to firstname.lastname@example.org . Then drop by the site and see what the sekitori had to say.
Yarrr to all you pirates out there！What? You’re not a pirate? Then just what are you doing around all this sumo booty? Well, regardless of whether or not you are donning an eyepatch, join me for the final day of a tournament that might leave someone in Davy Jone’s Locker.
The only real match that any cares about today is the final match between the two undefeated Mongolians, Yokozuna Hakuho and Ozeki Harumafuji, so I will not waste too much time getting down to business and keep the bottom rank reporting short.
Posted in Hon Basho, Nagoya Basho July 2012
Tagged 2012, Baruto, chiyotairyu, ginosho, Hakuho, harumafuji yokozuna, harumafuji yusho, Kisenosato, Kotooshu, kotoshogiku, Masunoyama, Nagoya basho day 15 results, Nagoya Day 15, Nagoya senshuraku, Sumo, takanoyama, Yusho, zensho yusho
Welcome to day 14 of the Nagoya basho. While the other gentlemen of S&S are partying it up at this basho’s S&S gathering you’ve got me here to do the play-by-play. Once again the yusho race is pretty narrow. Only Hakuho and Harumafuji at the top of the heap, and the closest runner up, Kisenosato, is 3 wins behind, and can only play spoiler at this point. The JSA has broke with tradition and reset the schedule so that instead of the highest ranked ozeki facing the yokozuna on senshuraku, Harumafuji will battle Hakuho tomorrow. As we can all agree, the rivalry between Haks and Haruma favors Haks, but Harumafuji has looked pretty amazing this basho, and Hakuho has been a bit off of late. Should be an interesting bout to say the least. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves, Day 14 starts now. Continue reading
Posted in Hon Basho, Nagoya Basho July 2012
Tagged Baruto, Hakuho, Hakuho Yusho, harumafuji, harumafuji yusho, henka, kaisei, Kakuryu, Kisenosato, nagoya day 14, takanoyama
After reading our reports over the last few days I am sure that there are more than one or two of you who are now convinced that they entire sumo and stogies crew lives in a gay bathhouse. Sadly, I must dispel this rumor. We all must wait until Connelly gets his bathhouse up and running before we can christen it as only we can.
The big matches for today are Harumafuji v Kaisei and Hakuho v Baruto as the whole sumo world looks on to see if the two Mongolians can keep their perfect records. The JSA announced today that Haruma and Hakuho will be going up against either on Senshuraku in the hope of a possible dramatic showdown between two undefeated wrestlers.
Posted in Hon Basho, Nagoya Basho July 2012, Sumo
Tagged Baruto, chiyotairyu, Hakuho, harumafuji, kyokutenho, nagoya basho 2012, nagoya basho day 13, nagoya day 13 report, shohozan, takanoyama, undefeated, yamaguchi, Yaocho
I woke up this morning with Bertrum right there, just inches from my face and a smile so wide you could slip a banana in there sideways and not touch a thing. Why is he smiling, where am I, and why are Bertrum and I snuggling in the same bed? Continue reading
There’s only one man pissing me off in sumo these days. There’s only one man refusing to play it fair, honest, and clean. Strange thing is Hakuho is so damn good, he still wins while purposefully avoiding his opponents’ belts. On the flipside, all six Ozeki have a winnin Continue reading