I’ll tell ya, I’m really mixed up here. I really don’t have a lot of experience with commentating on sports. I mean, Mrs. Columbo and I, we love to watch a game of baseball, but this is a bit out of my league if you take my meaning, ma’am. But as Mr. Creswell was found dead this morning, I’m obliged to take over for today. You see the poor guy got a little excited last night and had a few too many and, well, there must have been some kind of struggle. You see we found him this morning by the docks. His wallet was missing, and it appears that it was a simple robbery. You know how things can get in this part of town. Anyway ma’am, I’ve been reading one of the books I found in Mr. Creswell’s room, his landlord told me it would be OK to borrow it for a bit, just so I can get an idea of what he was doing at the time of the murder. I really don’t have a lot of time because I’ve got my dog in the car, so I’ll do my best here to explain what went on, in the quickest way possible. I’m gonna go through a few things here, so just try and stay with me and help me sort out a few things I’m not too clear on.
I’ll tell ya, this first bout really had me stumped. From what I understand, this TochinoNada fella is almost twice this MatsuTani guy’s age, but the older guy still managed to get his way in there after the start and get a pretty quick, waddaya callit, yorikiri on this young hopeful. I mean the guy is young, and has 3 lower division championships. I just don’t get it.
Tha next one up here is TamanoShima against TochinoWaka. Here I’m really confused. I didn’t know those guys were allowed to move sideways when things get goin, but that Tochi guy did it. I mean, luckily the other guy saw it comin or else, jeez could you imagine? Anyway the older guy pushed him back a bit, but you know how it is with those younger guys, a lot’a fight in ’em. Anyway, he managed to turn ’em around and get the win. Amazing. Mrs. Columbo woulda gotten a kick outta that one. She loves stuff like that.
The next, waddadey called, bouts?, here was between Kitataiki and Daido. (Did I get that right ma’am?) Woulyda look at that, another new comer. I hope he did better than that other guy. KitaTaiki came in really strong and got way inside on the guy, but he managed to turn it around somehow. They were kinda locked up for a minute, then that umpire yelled somethin at ’em and they started up again. That Daido guy tried to throw him (Kitataiki, not the umpire. Jeez, what was that ump wearing? Looks like my wife’s pajamas) but Kitataiki moved around and ended up pushing Daido out. Ya’know, this stuff is kind of interesting.
Ok, so now we have Shotenro and Takarafuji. Shotenro had Takarafuji out pretty much right after the startup… what’s that? Tachiai? Well I never would have guessed that’s what they call it, thank you ma’am for clearing that up.
Next was Fujiazuma and some guy who I think I might have bought cigars from at one point, which reminds me… I’m sorry that I dropped a bit of ash on your carpet, you don’t happen to have an ash tray do you… I’ll just use this bowl here. This Homasho guy moved back at first letting Fujiazuma gain ground. I thought it was over, but then just like that *snap* threw the other guy down. That’s good… I like his style. The announcer called that an uwadaynahgay, sounds like some kinda insult to me, but whado I know?
My goodness that guy is short… Sagatsukasa did this little hop to get underneath Asasekiryu and pushed up from there, then he kept trying to wrap up Asasekiryu’s legs, which didn’t seem to do it. Then it looked like they were holding hands dancing around… you know Mrs. Columbo tried to sign us up for ballroom dancing, but me… I got two left feet. Anyway, Sagatsukasa planted his left knee and swung Asasekiryu down over it. Nice little move.
Both of these next guys remind me of the captain, one’s got the same side burns and the other moves kinda funny…kinda like that robot from lost in space. So Tochiozan and Takamisakari just exploded into each other, but just like Elvis, Tochiozan won that one… hmmmm that analogy didn’t really work. Don’t worry I’ll get it.
Toyohibiki took off like a jet engine against Miyabiyama, but Miyabiyama kind of slapped him down. (I hate to be a bother, but shouldn’t that guy be wearing a… you know…. a… brassiere…or something?)
No this one was bothering me for a while, I just couldn’t figure it out… ’cause Tokitenku went in against Kimurayama like normal, but then just kicked him in the shin. Mr. Kimura just went right down, I wonder if that other guy played soccer before…
Now it’s Takayasu vs some guy named Alan or something. Ya know… he kinda looks like my mechanic. He fights like my mechanic too. He lifted the other guy, Takayasu, up and pushed him out.
HOLEY MOLEY! That guy is big. How much does he weigh? 200 kilos… we’ll I’ll be… I didn’t know they made ’em that big in Georgia. I was sure Gagamaru was gonna take Kyokutenho out, but right at that little… border thing Kyoku turned it around and with a little hopping he got him out… does that chinese writing mean rabbit? cause that would fit.
Next up is Kaisei and Toyonoshima. I always like to root for the little guy, and Toyo is certainly little. Things didn’t look like the were going his way, but he shifted his hips a bit, and turned things around. That was some quick movement for such a big boy. Ya know, I just love it when the little guy, don’t you ma’am?
Next up is Yoshikaze and Wakakoyu. This was a quick one, they started pushin’ each other, but then Yoshikaze did a kind of dive tackle to Wakakoyu.
Next is Goeido and Tamawashi, I did some checking inbetween bouts and learned that Tamawashi is a “pusher-thruster” and Goeido is “over ranked”. This just looked like my sisters fighting over who gets to use the bathroom first, even the take-down was the same. SotoGake they said… for Goeido.
Tochinoshin looks like the Mole from Dick Tracy and Aminishiki’s leg looks like you could buy it at a hardware store. With his leg in that kind of condition you couldn’t expect a guy to do much, which was exactly what you got.
Next up is Wakanosato and Kotoshogiku, who I hear might get a promotion if he wins the next two bouts. (Boy I could use a promotion… I’ve been a lieutenant for 30 years). Ain’t that always the way… you get so close, then an old guy that looks like a boot takes you down with a sukuinage. Who knows, he might still get it. Good luck to the guy.
Kakuryu vs Takekaze huh? There wasn’t that much to this one, some pushing around and Kakuryu won. Wait a minute… a guy comes out and sweeps up the ring? How did I miss that? …why would someone want to sweep up dirt…hmmmm.
Next up is Kisenosato and Okinoumi. Two relatively young guys. Kisenosato got right in there and with one or two tries he threw down Oki with an “UWATENAGE”, or so I’m told.
Now this guy I’ve heard of. He does ads for yogurt, you see the wife, she makes me eat the stuff… says it’s good for my health… and the way it tastes… it better be. Anyway Baruto had a false start, and in the second go round Kotooshu got a keen little maemitsu and maneuvered around for a nice throw down. It was a close call but the judges seemed to think Oshu had it. I woulda looked at it again, but far be it for me….
Today’s last bout was Harumafuji vs the champ, Hakuho. Now this guy is impressive, he looks to be one of the best ever. What? No, ma’am Hakuho, not Harumafuji. I knew this was going to happen from the beginning, and here is how it happened: Harumafuji actually got the best of the tachiai and got a left hand outside. Hakuho with a right hand on the front of the mawashi went for the immediate shitatenage, but in turning to the side he let Harumafuji in to get a right hand on the front of his own mawashi. Hakuho was left groping for something with his right and in doing so surrendered his left hand inside grip for a left hand inside with no grip on the belt. Harumafuji went for the twist down, which failed and Hakuho went for the thrust down, which failed. After that Hakho locked up Harumafuji’s arms, which meant a double inside grip for the smaller man. There was quite a bit of battling for position and here is where Hakuho made the critical error. He slapped Harumafuji’s side and went makikae… that’s right ma’am… makikae. While he secured a left hand inside grip he surrendered balance. Harumafuji had the champion on the diagonal… like this… and when the champion went for the final shitatenage, Harumafuji was able to get a hand deeeeeeeeep on the back of the mawashi, and with a slight shift sideways and a push… the ozeki had the yokozuna outside the tawara, and the weapon… was a yorikiri.
Well ma’am… that’s all there is… I’ll let myself out…………………………………….Oh ma’am, there’s just one more thing. That’s yusho number 2 for Harumafuji.
Some guy named Connelly should be by tomorrow to help you sort things out.