Hatsu 2012: Day 4

Packed with knocked-out gyoji, bitchslaps galore, and tits that flap in the wind like free range pancakes, there’s not much more you could ask out of day 4 of a basho. Well maybe you could ask for medical professionals on hand so that when someone badly injures themselves they aren’t left lying on the ground for 10 minutes on national TV while everyone sits. around. slackjawed. But that’s not until later. For now, we begin with our day with two of the shinnyumakus.

Ninoumi (1-2) v Kyokushuho (1-2) Probably one of the most awkward matches I’ve ever seen. The two new maegashira start off with a barrage of slaps which turn quickly into a grabbing contest. Neither could get a good grip, and kyokushuho ends up looking like he is trying to help the littler rikishi take his shirt off. Ends with an oshidashi win for Ninoumi.

Takanoyama (0-3)  v Kaisei  (1-2) Takanoyama finally starting to relax a bit and show the kind of sumo he normally performs in the lower ranks. It also helps that Kaisei is probably the slowest wrestler in Makuuchi (with maybe the exception of gagamaru.) Kakenage win for the Czech.

Asasekiryu (3-0)  v Sagatukasa  (2-1) Both rikishi were quick off the line to start pushing each other like abusive husbands, with Asasasekiryu eventually getting an outer left hand grip. After a considerable stalemate, Sagatukasa runs out of steam and practically walks out of the ring for the Mongolian. Yorikiri win for the red dragon.

Chiyonokuni (3-0)  v  Tosayutaka(0-3) Standard belt fight ends with tosayutaka trying to lift our the new maegashira. Gyoji called the match in favor of Tosayutaka, but after a monoii, a rematch was held. The newbie loses his focus in the second match and is quickly forced out by yutaka. Even though he lost today, I think we will be seeing more of kuni if the upper ranks in the new few basho, mark my words.

Tokitenku (3-0)  v  Tenkaiho (2-1) Angry face gets migi-yotsu right off the bat and tries a variety of judo-esque moves, only to be walked out by Kaiho. Yorikiri.

Yoshiazuma (1-2)  v  Gagamaru (2-1) Yoshiazuma plays its stupid and tries to beat the lady with straight power only to get forced out. I doubt Azuma (like most who have previously fought over-200 kg gaga) will fall for the same trick twice. Yorikiri win for the man who was most definitely not born that way.

Tochinoshin (1-2)  v  Sadanofuji (2-1) A long, well-fought belt fight with an eventual win for noshin. One of the better bouts of the day, noshin deserved to win, although at this rank he shouldn’t need nearly 3 minutes to take care of a  M11.

Fujiazuma (2-1)  v  Daido (0-3) After a false start, the two wrestlers go after eachother throats as if they were vying for first place in line at an all you can eat cupcake buffet. Fujiazuma overcommits for a uwatenage win for Daido.

Yoshikaze (1-2)  v  Tochiozan (2-1) Yoshi gets an early belt grip but Ozan rips him off and eventually throws him to the ground via katasukashi (under-shoulder swing down).

Shohozan (3-0)  v Kyokutenho (1-2) Shohozan loses his perfect record to Kyokutenho if not for lack of effort. Kyokutehno picks up an oshidashi win and doesn’t look too bad for a guy who has been in Makuuchi for 14 years.

Myogiryu (1-2)  v  Aoiyama (0-3) The newest Bulgarian to hit the big leagues tries his best to get a grip on his opponent’s mawashi, while Myoguryu takes advantage and twists him out. The hardest to pronounce rikishi takes an uwatedashinage win to 2-2, while Aoiyama drops to the bottom of the barrel with a regretful 0-4.

Aran (1-2)  v  Toyohibiki (3-0) Quick, dirty henka win for Aran. Guess you have to pick up wins somehow. Blegh.

Kitataiki (0-3)  v Tochinowaka (1-2) Fierce fight between these two with KItataiki at waka’s thoat at the end. Just when he was about to get pushed out, waka make a fantastic throw to pick up the win. Who lit a fire under Tochinowaka’s ass? Man has been killing it as of late.

Homasho (2-1)  v Takayasu (2-1) All the crowds cheers for the cigar store indian didn’t seem to be of much use as Takayasu keeps him on the defensive and eventually oshidashis him out. Deep bow man falls to 2-2 while expensive-cheap improves to a respectable 3-1

Kotooshu (3-0)  v Goeido  (0-3) The veteran Bulgarian uses his substantial  power and mass to shove goeido back from the get go, after which the blue belted wonder loses his footing and falls on his own, although it was ruled tsukiotoshi.

Aminishiki (0-3)  v  Kotoshogiku (2-1) The sneak pull some decent sumo out of his ass today by securing morozashi and eventually forcing the geek out by keeping his opponent center of gravity high. Lately, the geek’s dry-humping magic has seemed nigh-unstopable, so its a refreshing for me to see someone beat him at his own game.

Baruto (3-0)  v  Wakakoyu (0-3) And now the match that everyone has been waiting for. Both men jump up quick from the tachi-ai, and Bart starts showing us why he was made an Ozeki oh so many moons ago. Some fierce tsupari drive Wakakoyu to the bales, but he uses a figure-skating twist to get back into the center of the ring. It’s a shame Baruto is so big, because any one the smaller rikishi’s slaps, grabs, and twists would probably have worked on most anyone else. Bart end up shoving Wakakoyu out of the ring via okuritaishi right onto the gyoji Kimura Shozaburo. Kimura fell out of the ring and just remained silent and unmoving on the ground for the better part of 10 minutes until someone decided to get off their ass and get around to telling the resident doctor that a 61 year old man just got shoved off of a pltaform via a 35kg arm, with 300kg worth of bodies behind it. Mainichi says that he is awake and speaking, although he has suffered a concussion.

Toyonoshima (1-2)  v  Kisenosato (3-0) Neither slaps nor pushes could keep Toyo down today. Showing remarkable tenacity, he pushes Kise out to give the new Ozeki his first loss of the basho.

Takekaze (1-2)  v Harumafuji (3-0) The moriyoshi muffin once again gets toyed around with today, with Ama gently lifting him out for Yorikiri.

Hakuho (3-0)  v  Okinoumi (0-3) Hakuho was born for this sport. Straight from the tachi-ai he drives sideburns to the bales and then uses his resistance to force him to the ground. Effortless.

Well, that wraps up Day 4. Currently the strongest contenders for the Yusho are Hakuho, Baruto, Kakuryu, Kotooshu, Harumafuji, and Asasekiryu all with 4 wins a piece.

Duck and cover because tomorrow De Gama is gonna be dropping bombs.

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