My name is Sergeant Frank Drebin, Detective-Lieutenant, Police Squad, a special detail of the police department. There’d been a recent wave of gorgeous fashion models found naked and unconscious in laundromats on the West Side. Unfortunately, I was assigned to investigate illegal activities conducted by the contributors of this site. I was across town doing my laundry when I heard the call on the illegal activities. It took me twenty minutes to get to my computer to investigate. My boss was already on the scene. As was custom in such cases, we began to talk.
We here at Police Squad have been monitoring this site for years, and word on the street had it these rogues have been purchasing voluptuous Cubans for high dollar—and they also smoke cigars as well. My boss and I had decided there’s only one way to find out what these boys have been up to; I was going to have to go in undercover, and see if I can’t sniff out what is the story…with their…story. Sure I might end up dead, but you might end up dead is my middle name.
Daniel Ivanov from Bulgaria is an ex-Greco wrestler. His real name was Joey Sofia. He fought under the name of Kid Moscow. I saw Kid Moscow fight once in Leningrad…or was that Kid Minsk? He fought out of Tallinn. He was killed in the ring in Tbilisi by the Kazakh Comrade. You know, the Moldovan Malice? He was from Ossetia. I don’t remember it was North or South—Oh, it was North, of course! South was his brother from Yugoslavia. Today, Daniel Ivanov, now fighting under the name Aoiyama (3-2), faced Takayasu (5-0). Aoiyama, who has a very impressive bust, used this impressive bust to press on Takayasu, but Takayasu stayed on his feet as Aoiyama slipped and went down. I don’t know much about sumo wrestlers, but all I know is never bet on the white guy.
Toyonoshima, no need to stand up. 4-1. Tochinowaka is at 1-4. Unfortunately, Toyo cannot win while sitting down. Tochi improves to 4-2.
Kakuryu (5-0) vs. Tochiozan (3-2). 10-9 till now, but let’s pull out that wad of cotton and get right to the aspirin. The Kak stood up, thrust hard, and quickly retracted. The Kak is sizzling like a wiener on a hibachi, while Tochiozan falls to 3-3.
Looks like the cows have come home to roost for Gaga, who is 0-5. Today he fought Kotooshu, but I knew the Ozeki had his number. It was just a little hunch back at the office. Charlie, if your reading this, thanks for the tip!
Kisenosato (2-3) and Aminishiki (3-2) ? No, Frank Drebin. You’re mixing me up with two Japanese men. One of them stepped out of the ring, and Kisenosato gets the win.
Tochinoshin (1-4) vs. Harumafuji (4-1)
Both men tied up for a long time with tighter grips than a bride on her honeymoon night. This was a long bout, but—Look out! He’s got a leg! Harumafuji trips Tochinoshin to win.
Kyokutenho (0-5) is one man whose losses are like bananas. They come in big yellow bunches. Today he fought Baruto (4-1). Baruto sent Kyoku spinning like a dreidel in a sandstorm with an under-arm throw.
Hakuho (5-0) vs. Yoshikaze (1-4)
Yoshikaze has got a win! Not today, but he’s got one. Yoshikaze lit up like Dennis Rodman at Christmastime, but Hakuho tossed Yoshikaze down with an armlock throw, uttering “Why don’t you lie there till Tuesday…that’s when they pick up the garbage.”
Now let’s say Yoshikaze would have won this bout. OK, “Yoshikaze would have won this bout.” Actually, it was a piece of cake for Hakuho—but no thanks for me…I just ate.
I’ve reached the end of a day of sumo, but I still had nothing to book these boys on. When will people learn that crime doesn’t pay? But I suppose if they do learn, I’ll be out of a job.
Unfortunately, I can’t do the report tomorrow. I’ve got a big meeting over at…Menzrum. I’d forget my genitals if they weren’t superglued in between my legs. Water-skiing accident, of course.