I like to drink whiskey more than I used to. Anyway, I am drinking more.
When Josef Daly called me for this favor, tell me, how could I respond?
“Godfather,” he said, “I would be much obliged if you would write a sumo report for me, so I can spend more time with my wife’s family on this rare occasion. This I ask of you respectfully, as a favor.”
A man who doesn’t spend time with his family can never be a real man and with those sentiments in mind, I decided to do him this favor. Someday, and that day may never come, I may call upon him to do a service for me in return, but that is neither here nor any of your business. I told him to forget about this nonsense and leave it to me. I have been informed that this is a serious sport, for serious men. Now it is my wish that these words are true, for I am honest man, and I expect the same from those who call me their friend. That being said, it makes no difference to me what a man does for a living, understand. Each man has a destiny and since these men’s interests do not interfere with my own, I wish them all the best in their bouts today.
This man, this Chiyotairyu, is a powerful one. His uh, tachi-ai, magnificent. Apparently this is not a sport of discussion, as Mr. Chiyotairyu wasted no time to move forward and push the Hochinoyama out of the ring. How’s that for reporting, Josef? You like it, right, not bad for a first attempt? Tom, I need some ice for this whiskey…this heat, I had no idea… it was so hot, in Nagoya.
The younger man, Masunoyama, is a round fellow. Perhaps he has eaten one too many meatballs? Anyway the Round One hooked his right arm under his elder, Wakanosato’s right arm and spun him around rather carelessly. I have no time for carelessness, but Mr. Yama, uh, yeah the Round One , well once he had spun a complete circle he threw the Wakanosato out of the ring. Masunoyama, despite his carelessness and one too many meatballs, I gather, wins his third bout in a row.
Daido and this Sadanofuji character, like naughty children, they slapped each other, until Mr. Daido grabbed the other man’s shoulders and threw him to the ground.
I am only making an observation here, but what is with all the yamas? Now we have one who looks like beanstalk, this Takanoyama. He brings a, uh, tsu-pa-ri to the face of Mr. Kitataiki. Then The Beanstalk Boy grabs Mr. Taiki’s arm and begins pulling it him around the ring. Mr. Taiki, his footwork, impeccable, keeping the Takanoyama, the yama that looks like a beanstalk, in front of him, Taiki wins, uh by force out.
It appears as though the one they call Tamaasaka has a cigar burn on his collar bone. Did some sort of unfortunate accident occur? Mr. Takarafuji, Fuji, what’s with all the fujis? Anyway, he gets inside but Tamaasaka, the one who appears to have had an unfortunate accident, forces him back. Mr. Takara reverses his momentum and wins by what they call, yori-kiri.
Finally some men with names that don’t end in Fuji or Yama. Tokitenku lost the tachi-ai to Tamawashi. Tokitenku recovered at the uh, bales and tries to trip the Mawashi character. This allowed Mr. Tenku the opportunity to move Mr. Tamawashi to the bales and fall directly on top of him for the win.
Kaisei was out maneuvered at the tachi-ai by the smaller, quicker, Yoshikaze. The Kaze had a far superior grip on the, uh mawashi, but the hairier fellow, this Mr. Kaisei, from Brazil, he forced Yoshi to the bales and won by yori-ta-oshi.
Why the hurry, Shotenro? Do you have other places you would rather be? My associates tell me that the ringside judge’s comments to Mr. Shotenro were the following: “Why do you come into the dohyo, and disrespect me by false starting not once, but twice! Be a man damn it!” The third tachi-ai was acceptable and Shotenro locked onto Homasho’s arm and threw him round and forced him out.
It was not until I saw Gagamaru, that I realized that this was a dangerous business. Takayasu goes in with uh, tsupari and the bigger one, the Gaga returns the favor, and then some. The Georgian, wait, he’s from Georgia? Anyways Gaga wins by oshi-dashi.
I was told that Takekaze was not Yoshikaze’s brother but they are family and so they don’t fight. I can understand this. Why would you ever fight with your family? The other Georgian boy named Tochinoshin though, he, I cannot understand. No Shin? Looks like he’s got two to me! Anyway Takekaze takes Twoshins right arm and pulls it and his head down. Then the Kaze got low and pushed Twoshins out of the ring for his first victory.
Aoiyama, again with the yama, lost the tachi-ai to this Ozeki, Kotoshogiku. Mr. Geeku utilized what I have been told is uh, nodowa choke hold. He followed this up with attempted right hand outside grip but had to adjust due to the bulk of his opponent. Upon making the adjustment, Aoiyama, again with yama, planted down his size 16 (31cm) feet and threw the Ozeki to the dirt.
The man known as the Chauffeur, this man, Kyokutenho, he was the champion last tournament. What a world we live in. A world where a Chauffeur can be called champion. Outstanding. Today however, yet again, luck was not on his side as the Ozeki named Kisenosato defeated him easily by yori-kiri. That Ozeki fellow appears to be a man I could trust, based solely on his grimace alone.
Kakuryu and Myogiryu return slaps in the face, but Mr. Myogiryu keeps his arms and body tight inside while moving forward. He upsets the sweet singing Ozeki and get’s his first, uh, win of the tournament.
People thought I was dead once.
They were wrong.
I hear that people think Kotooshu, the tall Ozeki, is injured.
Again, I think, they are mistaken, don’t you Tom?
Anyway Mr. O methodically works Wakakoyu until he gains the belt and forces him out yori-ta-oshi.
This man is not injured and I, contrary to popular myth, am not dead.
End of story.
Harry, there he is! I always wondered what had happen to Harry. Never would guessed sumo. He gains the left hand outside grip and easily tosses Tochiozan to the ground. My old associate move to 3-0. I wish him all the best.
Okinoumi goes straight into the giant man, uh, Baruto. Baruto gains the right hand grip and throws the Okinoumi to win by uwa-te-nage. Anyway he throws him, you get the picture. Mr. Big and Smiles has 3 wins. Okinoumi has none.
I agreed to do Mr. Daly this favor because I had heard the last bout would be with serious man, to be treated with respect. Hakuho, the Yokozuna, the big time, the, uh, champion. Today he faces a man that has been known to be, uh, sneaky, Aminishiki. I cannot tolerate men who are careless and men who are sneaky. This Yokozuna, this Hakuho, why all the pulling and slapping, and pulling and slapping? He wins by hata-ki-komi but I am perplex as to why he didn’t move the Sneaky out of the ring by being forward. Being a man of his word. “Mr. Sneaky,” he could have said, “I will now grab my preferred mawashi grip and drive you out of the ring, understand.” But no, with the pulling and slapping and pulling. I am sadly not impressed, is his brain going soft? I hope not, for his family’s sake and for his own legacy.
A man named Connelly will make you an offer you can’t refuse tomorrow around this time. Be there to read about all the day 4, uh, action. Do I have your loyalty? Then be a friend to Connelly tomorrow and listen to what he says. Understood?