Good evening err’ybody and welcome to another wet and wild day of sumo with your ol’ pal Dick “slick willy” Montana.
Even though there are a few well-known names in juryo, I am just going to focus on the beanpole from Czech-land as I am pretty sure Takamisakari will never be making a return to makuuchi considering his only worsening performance over the past year. Takanoyama (3-4) went up against Tamaasuka (6-2 )today and charged in as low as he could without getting overly friendly with asuka’s knob. Unfortunately he didn’t seem to have much of a plan and just tried to play defense and keep his center of gravity low. Not a bad strategy… for someone who weighs 50 kilos more than he does. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, Taka needs to keep with his tricky dick sumo if he wants to keep his upper division salary. This pretending that he weighs as much as the other guys just doesn’t work for him, and after over a decade in the sport you think he would have figured that out. From my point of view it looks like Tochinowaka (8-0) has the best chance of winning the division this time around, but I don’t see the point. I will stake my last bottle of Macallan cask strength (now sadly discontinued) that waka waka will be back in juryo next year after once again losing interest in winning matches after a promising streak.
E-M12 Kitataiki (3-4) vs W-M15 Chiyotairyu (6-1)
Kitataiki started off today’s first makuuchi bout with a BUZZ to the left and it took Chiyotairyu a while to stop slapping him even after the gyoji had been shouting at him that it was a false start. (Can’t blame the guy). Second time around and I can see why Kitataiki was so reluctant to take the guy head on. Chiyo pounds into his chest and uses his formidable power and momentum to force taiki out. Now if only Chiyo would quit the bullshit hatakikomis…
W-M14 Chiyonokuni (4-3) vs W-M11 Miyabiyama (2-5)
Chiyonokuni reminds me a lot of Myogiryu in how the two just refuse to go down no matter what the scenario. Chiyo was just sloppy in trying to get chest to chest with miflabby and ended up getting shoved out by the much larger rikishi after a few spins and tricks. Chiyo breaks even with a pair of 4s and Miyabi improves to 3-5
E-M14 Jokoryu (2-5) vs W-M8 Daido (2-5)
Jokoryu finally looks likes he is settling down into the division and manages to improve to 3-5 with an easy yorikiri win over daidon’t.
E-M13 Fujiazuma (3-4) vs W-M6 Toyonoshima (6-1)
Toyonoshima switched out that awful red mawashi for his good ol fashioned silver one, and with it he seems to have found what look like a pair of croquet balls, nay, cantalopes. Whatever they may be, Toyo seems to have found them again because he is back to his old winning self. Toyo improves to 7-1 with a slap down win over a clumsy backwards moving Fujiazuma.
E-M4 Takayasu (1-6) vs W-M7 Aran (5-1)
In the battle of the furries, Aran goes 6-2 with a win over Takayasu with what I dare say looked something like a plan. This could be a first.
E-S Myogiryu (2-5) vs W-K Homasho (1-6)
Myogi seem uncharacteristically unsure of himself today as he charged in fast against the cigar store before backing away and just trying to stiff-arm his opponent before getting tossed out easily by Homasho. There was just a whiff of something in the air here. Homie improves to 2-6 and Myogi looks more and more unlikely to get his first kk as a sekiwake.
E-M1 Okinoumi (2-5) vs W-S Goeido (7-0)
Goeido does a fine job at the belt driving and pulling to get Oki off balance for the win. He probably could have pulled it off slightly sooner had he not tried to go for an unnecessary makikae.
E-O Kotoshogiku (5-2) vs W-O Kisenosato (5-2)
The crowd here was all about their hometown favorite Geek, but left cockteased after a solid relaxed performance by kisenosato.
E-O Kakuryu vs W-M1 Tochiozan
Touch-me-please-it-feels-so-good-OH!-zan picked up an easy push out win over the kak today that I am sure the crowd was happy to see after the shit show the ozeki pulled on Kotoshigiku yesterday.
E-Y Hakuho (7-0) vs W-M3 Takekaze (who cares)
In a desperate effort to make this match interesting the announcers brought up the fact that Hakuho has lost to Takekaze. Once. When he was a Maegashira. Well, it didn’t work as the Mongolian put just a fraction of his energy into the bout today and the muffin from moriyoshi ended up rolly-polly on the clay.
W-O Kotooshu (5-2) vs W-Y Harumafuji (6-1)
Think of all of the indicators of a fixed match. I am not even going to say them. How do you think someone who loses on purposes ends up after a match: on their back or hands? Well if it’s any hint Kotooshu stood up today and then rocketed toward the ground with his hands with minimal effort from the Mongolian. I hope the newly crowned Yokozuna can spare me a few bucks because he obviously has some extra cash lying around if he can afford to pay off matches against chumps like oshu.
Well that’s all for this dick, folks. Tune in tomorrow for some more expert sumo coverage from someone who has not had more than half a bottle of Ballantine’s 12 before writing his report.