Nagoya 2013 Day 5

photo unavailable“My Aunt is crazy. Her house is covered in pictures of Princess Diana. And they’re all from right after the accident.”

Now you may ask yourselves what this has to do with sumo. It’s a perfectly reasonable question. I’m not going to judge you for thinking too much into things. I might. We will see. The answer is that it has nothing to do with sumo. It’s funny because she is dead. She was hot, what a waste.

On that note, I should introduce myself. I am Henry Johnson. Think about it. I am a man of taste. I’m not saying I have good taste. What I am saying is that I have the ability to taste, like most people have, which doesn’t make me special. What does make me special, is my impeccable looks, my ginger locks and my positive attitude! I am an avid reader of quality porn reviews, exotic dancer websites and the boxes of cigarettes when I get drunk. De Gama knows me as the man who ousted him to his parents. They love him still, maybe. Please don’t worry. Any donations received towards the ‘Repair De Gama’s Parent-Child Relationship Donation Fund’ can be sent to me where I will use the funds to purchase whiskey, quality whiskey. I will be occasionally dropping my knowledge of film, sports, EDM, correct spelling (arguably), and living in one’s own squalor into this here precious Sumo and Stogies group within my reports. I have been known to be a little harsh, but since when has hurtful criticism ever really hurt someone’s feelings? I don’t stick around to find out. Who cares?

Today I am drinking a 12 year old bottle of Cardhu Speyside Scotch Whisky, delicious and peaty. Buy it. Or don’t, whatever. I would recommend it over the filth made out of the bathtubs of the Dixie. Let’s get this started.

Aoiyama vs Chiyonokuni

Ouch, my man parts. If I knew Jean-Claude Van Damme was going to be entering this bout, I would’ve called Dennis Rodman and told him to fix that piece of shit movie. Guess not. Anyway, from this bout, we can assume that Chiyonokuni has never trained as a ballet dancer before and that henceforth, Chiyonokuni, will be known as broken dick. He started strong, trying to use Aoiyama’s first move against him. Henka! But, it did not work. Aoiyama does not back down, the mayonnaise monster that he is. Aoiyama returns with aggression, until Chiyonokuni pulls out his inner-bloodsport and does the splits all while spinning Aoiyama on his back. What a badass. It looks like he hurt his nether regions at the end, but let us hope he’ll be able to stiff it out and dick up. Penis.

Daido vs Kitataiki

Watching this match, the tension could have been cut with a knife, it was that thick. Easy win for Kitataiki. He easily was able to dominate position and power his way to victory. Metaphorically speaking, he whipped out his dick and slapped Daido in the face a few times and easily pushed him out with cock power alone. Good job. Man level = Tim the Tool Man Taylor.

Shohozan vs Goeido

Complete domination from Shohozan. My pride hurts from watching this. He knocks Goeido off balance with the first few slaps and is able to push him out. The good sport that he is, Shohozan even helps Goeido up from the floor after raping his mother. What a class act.


Kakuryu vs Takayasu

Good start. Kakuryu starts aggressively going for Takayasu’s face. I haven’t seen anyone come so hard on someone’s face since the last time Creswell saw a picture of Queen Latifah. Handicap bathroom blumpkin style. Moo.

Kakuru and Takayasu hit a stalemate in the middle. Both had similar positions on the mawashi, but Kakuryu’s was the lower of the two. Kakuryu goes for the aggressive move, but it seems like he loses his grip on Takayasu just before he is able to push him out of the dohyo and Takayasu takes this one.

Takekaze vs Kotoshogiku 

Good match. They meet in the middle, each jockeying for position, but ultimately Kotoshogiku was able to overpower Takekaze and shove him out; Piece of cake. Rikishi love cake. They are fat.

Kisenosato vs Chiyotairyu 

Here we are. Kisenosato on the cusp of greatness, promoted as the next great Japanese Yokozuna or at least a Japanese Yokozuna, finally. I’ll guess he will always be known as the great Ozeki, Kisenosato. . One loss yesterday and today was his final chance. But alas, it was not meant to be. Honestly, this was actually a pretty entertaining match. A lot on the line! Both tried to gain position early amongst one another. Kisenosato comes on aggressive, but Chiyotairyu, like the bad-ass motherfucker he is, knows what is on the line. Kisenosato loses his balance and Chiyotairyu pushes him out. Good story.

Tokitenku vs Harumafuji

This is the kind of bout that will be remembered. It wasn’t the most competitive of bouts. It wasn’t man vs. machine, Daft Punk style. It wasn’t David vs. Golaith, because that shit never happened. It was short, sweet, and made De Gama weep. Harumafuji completely dominates the bout. Takitenku gambles and goes for the leg sweep, but Harumafuji explodes and gets both hands on the chest of Tokitenku, completely knocking him out with one forceful push. Better buy Tokitenku a dress and some tampons, because his man license has been revoked. What a bitch.

Hakuho vs Gagamaru

Coming to the last bout of the day, who doesn’t love a fat bastard? We all love the fat bastard. But tonight, lady luck was not on Gagamaru’s side. It starts fast. Gagamaru and Hakuho collide in the middle of the dohyo, the force felt from kilometers away. People scream and run for their homes. Children drop their ice cream. The fire storm is back. Intense! Hakuho doesn’t take shit, Samuel L. Jackson style.  He casually tosses Gagamaru aside. Easy win for Hakuho. Sunglasses on, Hakuho ride’s away into the sunset on the back of local soapland workers while drinking diamond Dom. Beast.

That’s all she wrote. What a bitch. She should work harder. Lazy. Anyway, the bout of the day goes to Aoiyama vs Chiyonokuni for  their best impression of Bloodsport and dick injuries. Congrats! Round of applause. Well, this has been a good first day to comment on . I had a great time. Now it’s time to drink until I black-out. Have a good night, Henry Johnson out.

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