Ladies and Gentlemen, mother –father gentlemen, welcome to day 5 of this exciting basho. I am Henry Johnson, Akamatagi, and this is my second report. You may remember me as the sexy man beast in Lost, but as my acting career has hit a small snag, I will be presenting you with this day’s report. Let us go through a journey of mistakes and of passing out at the computer together as we usher in a new generation of existence. I like to think of this generation, as the “wash down your whiskey with one owns tears” generation. Welcome. Today I am drinking a wonderful bottle of Johnny Walker Red Label which has sat in my freezer for 3 months. It has become a sort of syrupy concoction, is this normal? I’ve only had this happen to a few low-end bottles of whiskey before. I’m not sure if it’s the quality, or the amount of small children added to the barrels that makes it this way, but whatever it is, I prefer it of a different quality, a whiskey distilled by a distillery that knows how to use its soylent green properly. Embarrassing Johnny Walker, just atrocious.
Sokokurai vs Osunaarashi
Alright, so I’m going to start this bad boy out with something from the Juryo division. I know this isn’t customary, but god damn do I like me some Arashi. Now I know everyone has heard the Bangle’s song, “Walk like an Egyptian.” If you haven’t, you should go spend a good amount of time alone in the closest closet you have and just cry. Not even cry, just rock back and forth and wonder what you have been doing with your life. The song is pretty much about overthrowing an authority figure, rebelling as it were. That’s exactly what Arashi is doing, a rikishi from Egypt, an up and comer, rebelling against the boundaries of who is and who isn’t meant for sumo wrestling. There’s not much to say because Arashi kicks the shit out of Sokokurai with some well timed Harite and finishes it with some Oshi, as he pushes Sokokurai out of the ring. I’m hoping Arashi will move up to Makuuchi soon as he is fun to watch.
Gagamaru vs Takekaze
The large man of sumo, Gagamaru, comes into this bout 1-3 needing a big win to keep his pride. Can he do it? No, he can’t simple. Takekaze was forced to defeat Gagamaru twice after a matta, a false start. Gagamaru has all the tools to be a great rikishi, but he needs to become quicker, more agile. After the matta, a fierce struggle commences with both rikishi trying to gain the upper hand. At first, it seemed like it could go either way, but Takekaze took advantage of Gagamaru’s large stature and his poor balance and was able to turn him over and shove him down for the win. Good win for Takekaze, but jesus, Gagamaru needs to step his shit up. Seriously.
Shohozan vs Kakuryu
Kakuryu smacks Shohozan with a strong harite from Kakuryu and is easily smacked down. I was hoping that Shohozan would smash his large sumo balls into Kakuryu’s face, but Shohozan let me down. Let’s been a huge lack of teabags lately in sumo, and I’m getting a bit frustrated. Who doesn’t love to watch a man shove his balls into another man’s face? I know I do. You better too. Kakuryu has had a good showing so far and he sits at 4-1.
Kisenosato vs Takarafuji
Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch. All I have to say for this. Takarafuji had a good idea going for the belt, but wasn’t able to gain compuse, lost his balance and was pushed out easily by Kisenosato. Honestly, did you see the knockers on Kisenosato, they rival my ex-girlfriend. I wouldn’t want to play with them, but damn can you marvel at the prowess of those man-tits. Kisenosato improves to 4-1. Good showing so far for this man tit.
Takayasu vs Harumafuji
Yokozuna Harumafuji is at it again, a simple and quite straight-forward victory against Takyasu. Takayasu lost so quickly that he might need to see a doctor for his premature ejaculation problem. The two rikishi meet in the center of the dohyo with a crash, but Harumafuji simple overpowers Takayasu and easily pushes his out of the ring. Embarrassing for Takayasu I would think. Maybe Harumafuji is gaining his composure back, but sitting at 3-2, maybe not, an embarrassing showcasing for a yokozuna.
Hakuho vs Aoiyama
This is final bout of the night if Johnson sense is correct. I’m going to over it because who doesn’t like a beast work his magic. You Seattle Seahawks fans know what I mean, right? BEAST MODE! The mighty Hakuho rocks this bout. Aoiyama lowers his head when they meet, loses his balance, and Hakuho takes advantage and man shoves him out of the way. Manhood demolished.
Alright guys, I wasn’t able to write a whole lot tonight, but I hope what I did write was full of love and man juice. I’ll have a chance to write again next week and I will try not to get that written report pregnant, but no promises.