Day 10 bitches. Welcome back to the Johnson. Accept the Johnson. Accept the Johnson into your life. Do not question who hath picked the Johnson as your leader, but he who hath chosen is one with the higher power, the higher power of Matagisawa. I am worried about DeGama and Bertrum. Have they abandoned the light of the Sumo? Maybe so. The perpetual 69 they are stuck in will last forever until they decide that exploding into each other’s mouths is not the answer. Stogies is the answer. Anyways, welcome to today’s report. It will be full of self-depreciation, lies, tears, and drinking. Today I am drinking the wonderful bottle of syrup I described for all of you faithful readers last time. It is a bottle of Johnny Walker Red, which has now been sitting in my freezer for 13 weeks, delicious. Been listening to a lot of electro house lately, got a couple of dj gigs set up, and by dj gigs, I mean I got really drunk and mouthed my ass off saying I knew how to dj, I’m awesome. Anyway, today is a game changer. It might honestly be the greatest day of sumo this basho. My mind was blown by just the thought of writing such a report for this basho. To be honest, I actually like to write the introductions to the day before I watch the bouts, which works for me and I like to believe that every day I report on is a game changer. Let’s get to the sweaty greasy action.
On a side note, did anyone else watch that bears game the other day? Cutler mowed that safety over. I like the guy.
Chiyootori vs Takanoyama
Takanoyama got easy’d. Failed Henka, and Chiyootori completely owned the dude. I don’t really have much to say about this bout because I always love to see Takanoyama win and he didn’t.
Osunaarashi vs Chiyoo
So I’ve been a bit worried about the Pharaoh lately since his knee injury a few days ago, but damn, he looked solid this match . He was able to grab a hold of Chiyoo’s mawashi, firmly grasping it like DeGama firmly grasps Bertrum’s sausage roll, despite being undersized, and takes control of the match. He pushes him out of the dohyo BEAST. He’s now 8-2. It seems like he will be joining the pros real soon with such a record.
Gagamaru vs Sadanofuji
From this point on, I’m drunk. So this is going to get either very interesting, or it will be terrible. Let’s hope it’s not one of the nights I curl up in the fetal position and suck my thumb. Anyway, My Big Fat Greek Gaga against Sadanofuji is the match of the moment. How much does Gaga weigh? If you said a planet’s worth… close enough. I really wish Gagamaru would fix his form, because that is some embarrassing shit. He is bigger than a crack-whore’s dick sucking list. It’s insane. He should be dominating, always, but alas, he is not. BALANCE DAWG. Balance your shit out. Seriously!!! Anyway, compared to Gagamaru, Sadanofuji is an Olympic gymnast in the agility category, and this advantage helped score Sada his victory. Pretty much, he was able to gain a good position on The Wedding, and push him out for the victory. I honestly believe Gagamaru is at a standstill in his career. He better realize it before he finds himself at the KFC down in Tokyo on a daily basis, jobless, homeless, eating hyaku ens for the public.
Hakuho vs. Goeido
Oh, how the mighty have fallen. I say this with a grain of salt because I believe Hakuho gifted this bout to Goeido, but at the same time, it looked like Hakuho tried hard, prolapse hard. I honestly thought Hakuho had this. I thought he would go for the belt, but he didn’t. He was looking good with the handjobs and his wrist action, which was in line with his usual strategies, but somehow, Goeido was able to push him out. I will give it to Goeido, he is looking very solid this basho. Hakuho stands at 9-1 and Goeido stands at 7-3.
So to finish this goober up, I want to first apologize for the brevity of the report. I would have loved to have commented on more bouts, but some things are very very unavoidable. For starters, I’m drunk right now and I’m surprised I even remembered the word brevity. Secondly, I’m drunk and I decide that 4 bouts is a lot and I’m doing a great job. Fuck you. Finally, I would like everyone to bow his or her head for our forgotten comrades before we depart. By forgotten, I mean those comrades who forgot to write a report because they had each other’s Johnsons positioned in their mouths. Good night.